Do you ever get triggered when your partner, friend, boss, co-worker or child keeps complaining?
Or you perceive they are criticising how you are doing something?
What I have learned is that under every complaint, or perceived criticism,
is a commitment.
And this commitment often comes from the individual’s highest values.
Your values are like your fingerprint, your Souls blueprint to what is MOST important and meaningful to you.
And when your values get challenged,
It’s common to get angry, frustrated, feel sad, anxious or any other emotion for that matter.
And guess what…when you get challenged, you’re likely to say something about it.
You’re more likely to complain, nag and have repetitive arguments.
Because you want to see change.
Because you want to see your values fulfilled.
So what can this look like in your conversations?
I’ll give you a personal example of my own.
My partner has suggested a few times for me to discover how to write by taking a structured writing class.
He has said that sometimes my blogs don’t flow, connect together, or even sometimes make sense.
(which looking back at some of my blogs I can totally see what he means lol)
I got super defensive when I heard this and initially perceived it as a criticism, and I felt sad. Which was definitely not his intention.
What I perceived by him making that comment was that there was something wrong with my blogs.
Which means there is something wrong with me.
And there is something wrong with the way I express myself.
And possibly I’m not good enough to write.
(this is all my past inner child wounding coming up to the forefront!)
For me, writing my blogs is a way for me to have my own authentic expression,
Write the way I want without rules.
Just. BE. me.
And just let it flow.
However, seeing as I just recently started writing a few months ago, I can totally see that sometimes what I am trying to communicate may not come across as clear as I would like, or even make the impact I desire it to.
So when Ian would continue to suggest I take lessons on how to write, I got super emotional, defensive and reactive.
I perceived I wasn’t good enough.
Which is not what he said.
And I also perceived that “proper” writing is boring, stuffy and too constricting for how I like to flow….and I’d have to be put in a box.
And I really dislike being put in a box. This really challenges my highest values.
So often these conversations would end in a confrontation, and both of us feeling not heard or appreciated.
So how did we get through this?
Well, I decided to look at what Ian is committed to.
Ian has commitment to excellence, he also has a high value on communication and genuinely wants me to succeed in whatever I do. He also loves to feel like he is contributing to me.
Just getting present to his commitment of wanting to contribute to me, brings tears to my eyes and opens up my heart. I soften instantly.
And this allows me to hear him for what he is truly saying.
And this also creates SPACE necessary to shift.
Ian also got my commitment….
Which is to have freedom in expressing myself….just as I am….
To let the words flow,
To be free of structure….and what is “proper” (because who even invented “proper” in the first place?!”)
Sometimes I feel like there is a side of me who enjoys challenging the rules because I don’t believe there is only 1 way to do things. AND we are here to create our own.
Like Ian, I also have a commitment to efficiency and excellence.
And when we were both able to see, hear and feel each other’s commitments,
This created space for me to actually be able to HEAR him, without getting defensive, and without feeling like my work is being criticised.
It also allowed him to feel like he is contributing to me and my vision and mission in the creation of our relationship.
You see when you get your partners commitment,
You see them,
You hear them,
And this creates intimacy to truly BE yourself in your relationship and fulfill BOTH of each other’s values.
Which is a recipe for a truly inspiring relationship.
So if you’re reading this now,
And you’re feeling like your partner has a recurring complaint, or is criticising something about you….ask yourself…
1. What are they REALLY saying? In other words, what are they committed to?
2. How is this FOR me?
And see what happens.
You got this,
You always did.
Dr. S
When you’re ready there are 2 ways in which you can begin to work with me:
1. Apply to work with me 1 on 1: https://www.drshelbyaitcheson.com/private-coaching-with-dr-shelby/
2. Join me in my weekly group coaching sessions. You can bring anything you want to the table for transformation, so you can get more of what you want with ease: https://empower-chiropractic.ck.page/products/experience-inner-freedom
