Today was a landmark day.
I swam 100 meters, no kick board… all by myself.
Now chuckles aside this LITERALLY was a landmark day for me.
For the last 2 decades I have avoided swimming altogether. When I would go to a pool party I would with no hesitation be completely content lying by the pool baking in the sun.
Now don’t get it confused.
I STILL love lying in the sun feeling the heat and warmth on my skin, baking in the sun. I still don’t see that changing anytime soon.
However, it was deeper than that. I was SO afraid of putting my head underwater.
I had vivid memories as a kid literally feeling like I was drowning during my first swimming lessons.
Feeling completely helpless. Completely fatigued & heavy and feeling like I was going to die.
I would watch the other kids swim like fish, and wonder to myself….
“What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I get this?!”
So I decided F%$#& this, I’m done with swimming. Forever.
Years later when I was in highschool I was invited to go on a friend’s family white water rafting trip.
At the time, I had NO idea what white water rafting was.
I LITERALLY thought it was like going on a yacht, a peaceful relaxing day out on the water.
Holy F#$& was I wrong.
And I didn’t realize this until I got there when it was TOO LATE to change my mind and turn around.
We had driven several hours to this campsite and my friend’s parents had even paid for my place.
I remember watching the promo videos on the big screen of what we were about to experience and thinking to myself OH FUCK. What did I just sign up for?!?!
Have you ever felt this way?
I was soooooo f’n scared. Literally repeating “omg omg omg omg” in my head.
And the worst part of it all was that I agreed to it. There was no turning back. I HAD to go.
So I went. And on the VERY first rapid I remember trying to paddle and feeling no resistance, and thinking “this is strange” and I look up and I am completely in the AIR, and my raft is VERTICAL and this tidal wave of a rapid was 1 second away from swallowing me up completely.
One millisecond later I was under water. UNDER the raft.
And swallowing copious amounts of water. I’m in sheer panic mode at this point.
I literally thought, “I am going to die”.
This has been my experience with swimming, or moreso…drowning while in water lol.
So I gave up swimming (AGAIN) and being in the water COMPLETELY. Totally resigned.
Then I met Ian.
An Aussie. A 5x Ironman. Lives 5 min from the ocean.
As we were getting to know each other he was in SHOCK that I didn’t know how to swim.
I told him about my experience. I shared my fears, concerns and resignation for swimming.
He graciously took me by the hand and said “I will teach you how to swim.”
In my mind I was like “HELL NO!”, and said “ok”.
And I then asked “At my pace?!”
(Slyly Thinking, I could somehow escape actually going in the water.)
He replied, “Yes, at your pace”.
So he took me to the community pool (which btw is the most stunning pool I’ve ever seen), and began to teach me the basics.
How to breathe underwater.
How to kick,
How to roll,
How to stroke.
And there were moments where I felt unsafe. I felt like I was right under the raft again.
I felt like I was a 20 tonne Zamboni trying to move through the water.
and he would give me little techniques to slowly FEEL safe and become more efficient in the water.
And I did.
Today I had my 4th swim.
Since we have started my swimming lessons I have used the kick board to practice my drills.
Then, part way through the swim today I had this feeling like the board was holding me back.
So I said fuck it. I DECIDED I am going to try this all by myself.
And I did.
OMG it was so thrilling. I actually felt so much ease in the water, like I was floating.
(to be fully transparent I have literally NEVER felt this way in the water before. I have always felt like a sinking 2 tonne rock desperately trying to stay afloat).
It felt AMAZING!!!
I felt free. I also felt so proud I overcame my fear.
My energy was NO LONGER focused into my fear of drowning and it was utilized in propelling me in the water.
I got to the end of the pool and I saw Ian.
He was like “OMG BUBS WAS THAT YOU?!”
Then he said “WAS SOMEONE PUSHING YOU?!” — seriously asking if someone was behind me holding me up and pushing me.
(I’m not even sure how this would have been possible LOL …and if it was, I totally would have tried that the first time.)
I said “NOPE it was ALL ME!!”!
He was in complete shock.
You see, on my second swimming lesson I was STILL learning how to breathe underwater and feel safe doing it.
He anticipated it would take MONTHS for me to be able to do what I did today.
He was speechless.
“Omg bubs!!!” he said, and then we both broke out in laughter…
“I DID IT!!!!!!”
I did it.
I finally did it.
Fuck it feels good.
Wow.
It was literally just a FLICK OF A SWITCH.
I DECIDED I was going to swim.
I CHOSE that I was going to get to the other side.
And I did.
You can do it (whatever “it” is for you too).
It took me 2 decades to have the courage to face my fear of swimming. And I think of all of those missed opportunities I could have been experiencing with my friends and family.
All missed because of my fear.
And now…. I am considering surfing lessons.
(to fulfill my childhood fantasy of being like the girls on Blue Crush LOL).
What’s great is that I feel I have CHOICE now.
Before I didn’t.
You can too. Whatever it is.
I’m cheering you on from inside the pool.
You can do it too. XO
