Truth be told, up until now I had zero interest in being in a relationship.
I was completely content on my own,
Satisfied being in my own world,
Doing my own thing,
On my own terms,
In exactly the way that I wanted to.
Underneath all of that I perceived that if I were to get into a relationship, I wouldn’t be able to do what I truly wanted to do.
I believed that I’d have to compromise a part of my soul and become someone different.
These fears came from my past experiences of relationships where I was always so busy and focused on what I was loving and creating, that each time it came to what the other person wanted, it meant I had to give up something I loved.
Whether it was playing hockey 6 days a week, studying for kinesiology, or chiropractic, or eventually opening a few businesses within a span of a few short years.
Each time I entered a relationship, I felt I always had to give up a part of myself in order to be accepted.
In order to fit in.
In order to follow the rules of what a relationship “should” look like.
So after my last significant relationship in 2018, after the exact SAME repeating pattern, I kind of just gave up.
I decided that I will be who I am and not compromise,
Not hide myself away,
Be who I am and do what I want.
On my own terms…..
Alone.
What I didn’t realise at the time, was that it was just a REFLECTION of what I thought and believed and “KNEW” to be true about what relationships were at the time.
How they were “supposed” to be.
And all the rules I had to follow when I was in one.
IT WASN’T TRUTH.
It was just a perception.
A belief.
Something I made up.
So I spent three years fully focused on myself and becoming the person I am today, I’ll began to see the beliefs I had around relationships,
Around marriage,
Around having children,
And around what that would look like.
And I decided to change the narrative.
I decided to create my own rules.
My own terms.
Of fully BEING me.
I decided I would create a relationship from what I truly desire.
From Soul.
No compromising.
No sacrificing.
Just BEING me.
Fully expressed.
Doing ALL of the things that are REQUIRED to keep my soul ALIVE.
And then Ian came in.
Ian was a beautiful reflection of everything I had created and cultivated WITHIN myself in the past three years.
He showed up,
Allowed me to fully be me,
Held space for me to feel and express myself just as I am.
And loved me regardless.
Now, Ian is incredibly amazing, however deep down I know I had to completely love myself so that he could.
I had to choose ME, so he could choose me.
I had to BE me, so he could SEE me.
The true me.
And love that person.
I just wanna fully disclose to you that Ian and I get DO into heated arguments,
I mean we are both fire signs and can turn up the temperature pretty quick LOL.
I mean he seriously does not like how I put dishes in the dishwasher (neither does my dad for that matter lol).
Or how at times I can pepper him with a million and one questions as soon as he gets in the door.
Or how sometimes I forget to close the blinds at night.
And all of that’s irrelevant.
Despite all of this, underneath is the unshakeable foundation of love and acceptance that we both share.
We both honour each other in who we are and the full expression of it…
Even if it’s challenging, even if it’s painful, and even if it brings out anger or sadness or even fear.
If you’re in a relationship right now and it’s not quite what you expect or desire it to be,
I’m proof that YOU CAN BE YOU (fully), and still BE in a relationship.
Fully expressed.
Remember, I was the one who basically was in many short-lived long-distance relationships for over a decade, then finally gave up relationships completely for 3 years.
And now I’m on the other side of the world and absolutely loving who I’m with and who I get to BE with him.
If I can do it, so can you.
You gotta become the lover you desire.
You got this and anything is possible… First start with yourself
XO